It’s heartwarming to see grandparents playing with their grandkids. When my eldest daughter was a baby, she would always ask her lolo to carry her because he would take her wherever she wanted to go. My second is following suit.
When they disappear into a toy store with him, however, I’m always on the alert, telling my eldest she cannot ask for a toy and she can only look. But when they visit the toy store without my knowledge, even the baby (who certainly didn’t ask for anything) comes home with something!
When lolo and lola spoil
“My pop often spoils my son,” shares Gabby Marquez*, dad of one. “He usually gives him something that I don't want him to have. Sometimes he bribes him to get his attention or even rewards him with a treat after my son has been punished for something he did.”
Jane Villareal*, mom of two, says, “With my MIL, it's more her not setting limits, doing things for my son even if he should be doing them on his own, allowing him to skip certain things even if they both know they're non-negotiables (drinking milk or water instead of a juice box or iced tea), and feeling the need to please him right away the moment he expresses any complaint (when he doesn't like the food prepared, she'll hurry to cook something else).”
How parents gain balance
I learned early on that telling my dad to stop wasn’t going to work. He loves my daughters and the way he shows his love is to give them whatever they ask for (and more). I have also accepted that it is his role as lolo to do this. But when I feel that it’s a non-negotiable, I talk to my daughter and impress the rules upon her. Then I remind lolo, in front of her, what those rules are.
Jane also addresses her son when she sees her mother-in-law giving in too much. “If I see her packing away for him, I'll say, ‘Tom, why is Mama the one...?’. Then I tell my MIL that she doesn't have to continue because Tom can do it or I ask Tom to do it with her.”
Gabby also talks to his son. “Sometimes, I reverse what has been done by taking away the gift or explaining that how he received it was wrong. He feels bad but understands not to go against his parents’ wishes and he tells his lolo that Dad says no or that he will have to ask Mom or Dad first.”
Why lolo and lola spoil
Paz Benares, grandmother of five, suggests that parents see this issue differently. “Grandparents spoiling their grandchildren is largely a myth, at least as far as I'm concerned,” she says. “It's more of ‘been there, done that’ and we have become more understanding of their feelings, their moods, their anxieties. When we were parents, we were afraid of our children turning out delinquents so we would focus on discipline. We have come to realize, maybe because wisdom comes with age and we are also more comfortable with ourselves, that when love is the main ingredient in your relationship, you can't go wrong.”
Jing Lejano, grandmother of one, says she doesn’t really spoil her granddaughter but, “Yes there is that tendency. If she's really insistent on doing, having, or eating something, I give in if I know it won't put her in danger. I'm too old to have arguments with a toddler. My daughter is aware of this and it's just something she has to deal with.”
Open communication lines
Jing suggests, “Talk to the grannies and grandpas. Let them know how you feel. Raising a child is hard enough.”
Jane agrees. “I, personally, still speak up and let my MIL know that spoiling is not okay with me. I say it in the most polite, respectful way possible. Also I make it about what Tom did or didn't do instead of what my MIL did or didn't do, for example, I say he's just testing you or he's just making arte rather than ‘you need to be more assertive’.”
Gabby says his dad respects how he wants to raise his son, but sometimes, “I have to remind him that this will have a very negative impact on my son's character in the future. My dad says yes and there’s a little improvement next time. But there are relapses.”
Accept the situation
But sometimes, lolo or lola will not listen. This is when sensitivity and a little leeway must come in. “My kids know that there's nothing I can do with regards to their dad, that he will not listen to me either, although I still try to talk to him,” shares Paz about her husband spoiling the grandkids. “So most of the time, they're the ones who just have to adjust to him.”
The way I see it, if it’s harmless, allow your parents to shower some love on their grandkids. If it blatantly goes against your parenting beliefs, it’s time to step in. But always remember to temper this situation with love because you know that when it comes to grandparents, that’s definitely where they’re coming from.
When they disappear into a toy store with him, however, I’m always on the alert, telling my eldest she cannot ask for a toy and she can only look. But when they visit the toy store without my knowledge, even the baby (who certainly didn’t ask for anything) comes home with something!
When lolo and lola spoil
“My pop often spoils my son,” shares Gabby Marquez*, dad of one. “He usually gives him something that I don't want him to have. Sometimes he bribes him to get his attention or even rewards him with a treat after my son has been punished for something he did.”
Jane Villareal*, mom of two, says, “With my MIL, it's more her not setting limits, doing things for my son even if he should be doing them on his own, allowing him to skip certain things even if they both know they're non-negotiables (drinking milk or water instead of a juice box or iced tea), and feeling the need to please him right away the moment he expresses any complaint (when he doesn't like the food prepared, she'll hurry to cook something else).”
How parents gain balance
I learned early on that telling my dad to stop wasn’t going to work. He loves my daughters and the way he shows his love is to give them whatever they ask for (and more). I have also accepted that it is his role as lolo to do this. But when I feel that it’s a non-negotiable, I talk to my daughter and impress the rules upon her. Then I remind lolo, in front of her, what those rules are.
Jane also addresses her son when she sees her mother-in-law giving in too much. “If I see her packing away for him, I'll say, ‘Tom, why is Mama the one...?’. Then I tell my MIL that she doesn't have to continue because Tom can do it or I ask Tom to do it with her.”
Gabby also talks to his son. “Sometimes, I reverse what has been done by taking away the gift or explaining that how he received it was wrong. He feels bad but understands not to go against his parents’ wishes and he tells his lolo that Dad says no or that he will have to ask Mom or Dad first.”
Why lolo and lola spoil
Paz Benares, grandmother of five, suggests that parents see this issue differently. “Grandparents spoiling their grandchildren is largely a myth, at least as far as I'm concerned,” she says. “It's more of ‘been there, done that’ and we have become more understanding of their feelings, their moods, their anxieties. When we were parents, we were afraid of our children turning out delinquents so we would focus on discipline. We have come to realize, maybe because wisdom comes with age and we are also more comfortable with ourselves, that when love is the main ingredient in your relationship, you can't go wrong.”
Jing Lejano, grandmother of one, says she doesn’t really spoil her granddaughter but, “Yes there is that tendency. If she's really insistent on doing, having, or eating something, I give in if I know it won't put her in danger. I'm too old to have arguments with a toddler. My daughter is aware of this and it's just something she has to deal with.”
Open communication lines
Jing suggests, “Talk to the grannies and grandpas. Let them know how you feel. Raising a child is hard enough.”
Jane agrees. “I, personally, still speak up and let my MIL know that spoiling is not okay with me. I say it in the most polite, respectful way possible. Also I make it about what Tom did or didn't do instead of what my MIL did or didn't do, for example, I say he's just testing you or he's just making arte rather than ‘you need to be more assertive’.”
Gabby says his dad respects how he wants to raise his son, but sometimes, “I have to remind him that this will have a very negative impact on my son's character in the future. My dad says yes and there’s a little improvement next time. But there are relapses.”
Accept the situation
But sometimes, lolo or lola will not listen. This is when sensitivity and a little leeway must come in. “My kids know that there's nothing I can do with regards to their dad, that he will not listen to me either, although I still try to talk to him,” shares Paz about her husband spoiling the grandkids. “So most of the time, they're the ones who just have to adjust to him.”
The way I see it, if it’s harmless, allow your parents to shower some love on their grandkids. If it blatantly goes against your parenting beliefs, it’s time to step in. But always remember to temper this situation with love because you know that when it comes to grandparents, that’s definitely where they’re coming from.
*not their real names
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